PolarSoul

Dolly updates!

Sadly I didn't get my little muse for my Birthday. The artist I initially commissioned was unable to finish her, but has now sent her to another artist of my choosing.

I made a more specific plan of what I wanted for the new artist as I have now had more time to work it out. I'm really excited to see how she turns out ^_^

Providing she arrives quickly I might even have her by the end of Feb. If not, i'll be waiting untill the end of March because i'm planning to collect her in person from the artist at the monthly doll meet we both attend to save on extra postage costs.

On other news; i've finally done a character concept sketch for the male lead character in my story - he's sooo pretty I'm going to have to shell him in a Doll Chateau BJD.

I keep chipping away at the background work and character detailing for my story. I haven't worked on fleshing out the skeleton plot yet but it was always going to be a slow process as i'm not going to push myself to work on it untill i feel inspired for each particular bit.

I could do with more hours at work and am contemplating changing jobs, but it's going ok overall.

Finger crossed for more update soon!

Happy New Year to anyone reading! I think 2014 is going to be a good one for me. I'm pleased with my progress towards the end of 2013; it's been bloody slow sure, but when i look back on this time last year and the year before, i see how far i've really come in life.

Things to look foreward to:

- My birthday; as much as I hate to admit 21 was a real dissapointment apart from my family celebrations so here's hoping i'll have more fun this year. Either way, who doesn't like getting presents?! xD

- My first Ball-jointed Doll Anya (customised DZ Annie) should arrive sometime in January!!!! (fingers crossed for around my birthday ^^) I can't wait to try her eyes, wigs and clothes on her and start taking photos. I'm also looking foreward to the challenge of sewing her outfits and making props. She's one of my current writing muses and hopefully i'll work up the courage to try drawing her too.

- A summer holiday didn't have one in 2013 so definatly going to this year....

PLUS going to LDoll Convention in France!!!! (next Oct i think). It should be a lot of fun, especially if i can go as part of a group with ppl from the doll meets i go to.

- 4 Year Anniversary with my boyfriend <3

- New experiences (and of course challenges lol)

New Year's Resolutions:

- Start eating more healthily and get back into doing more exercise lol. Start up kickboxing or something similar & go to pilates when i have cash spare for it.

- Continue to build up a more positive self-image.

- Save up for travelling, hobbys etc but also go out and socialise more (much easier now im home).

- Start drawing regularly again. At least an hour, once a week. Sounds pitiful i know but i know i have hang-ups and i'm not going to push it too fast. Saying this i drew my boyfriend's Yule card and, although it took way too long for how it looked, i'm really pleased with it considering how dammned out of practise i am.

- Keep writing!

- Have fun with all my hobbies.

Hopefully i'll have some of my own work that i'm willing to post up here soon.

I think at last I have to admit that I have been making excuses & avoiding attempting most forms of art for the last year.

After facing the competition when I started Higher Ed courses a few years ago I found it wasn't just that I never managed to live up to my own expectations of what I wanted to create, I didn't feel as good as lots of the artists around me either. I admit, a large part of me quitting was because I couldn't handle the frustration and self-loathing that I wasn't better at what I wanted to be. It made me hate practising so didn't and I got worse, so I practised less, cut corners...it's obvious where this leads. Despite this I somehow still got good grades, which just made me feel like a fraud. After I left I couldn't attempt drawing anything without having a panic attack and crying.

I got over that after a few months, but have still barely drawn anything in the last year. It's been so long now that when I do attempt a sketch I'm ashamed by how far my abilities have slipped. I was never a natural; I always worked hard and practised lots to become good.

Now I have the freedom i've been wishing for, and several project ideas i'd love to complete...but i'm still avoiding it. It may be pathetic but I think i'm afraid. I have so much guilt about failure and not being good enough generally that I'm scared seeing my art not be as I want it will weaken my ability to resist depression. I have so much to be thankfull for and so much to be happy about that I have no right to let things like this get to me. But they do, i always want to be better but lack the strength of wil to stick at it through failure. I hate this weakness, but i'm unsure how to overcome it. My most creative self has been hiding in a corner too long, I want her back and enjoying art again. The same could be said for my writing, although there at least i'm taking baby steps and making some kind of progress.

Who knows, maybe I will have something I have drawn/painted to post on here one day. I should at least post photos of my ball jointed doll when she arrives. She is to become a Muse to help me with my writing. I hope i'll be able to draw her eventually too.